I walked in the first day confident I would make it into the house of my choice (let's call them house A) but I had an open mind and I wanted to check out houses B and C too. I remember having some of the best conversations in those houses. I felt at home in all 3. I left thinking the next day I would be invited back to all my top choices.
The next day I showed up, got my schedule, and my heart dropped when I saw that houses A and B both had not invited me back. What was wrong with me? Why didn't they want me? I still attended most of my schedule that day but I left in tears.
I called my cousin (who had been in house A) for comfort and she was positive it was a mistake. She explained that the voting process is literally 30 seconds. I had dyed my hair blonde the day before recruitment (I highly recommend NOT doing this if you want to get into your choice of house) and her theory was they probably had Facebook pictures of me with brown hair and couldn't find me when they went to vote. She was positive it had nothing to do with me but I was still so sad and embarrassed...
That night we had to input our preferences and I completely screwed up. Putting one of my now top houses (D) at the very bottom of my list and house C (which was now my #1 preference) as my second choice. I tried to call like 4 different people to change it but they all said once you've submitted your preferences you can't change them.
Pref day gave me assurance that I would make it into house C, my now top choice house. I was paired with the sweetest girl who basically told me I was in even though they aren't suppose to say that. I loved house C. I was so excited to be apart of such an amazing group of girls.
Bid day came and I wasn't too worried. Mostly just excited. The president of Panhellenic counted down 3, 2, 1 and everyone opened their bid. Girls were screaming and hugging and running to their new sisters as I sat in my chair dumbfounded that the name of house C wasn't on my piece of paper. Holding back tears I ran out of the Union building as fast as I could hoping no one would see me. I was so embarrassed. None of my top 3 houses wanted me. How was I going to tell all my friends who knew I had gone through recruitment? WHY DIDNT THEY WANT ME?
Members from other houses told me there HAD to have been a mistake because so many other actives wanted me in the house but it didn't make any sense to me. If they wanted me then why wasn't I in?
I started getting angry. I feel like this is a constant thing. Me never getting what I want. I wanted nothing more than to serve a mission but physically I am unable to go. I don't get to cheer anymore, the one thing I was actually good at and most passionate about. I didn't get the leadership position I was dying to get for my service trip next summer. I don't get to join a sorority this year. I feel like I have completely good and honest intentions yet everything I desire to do finds a way to not work out.
After lots of tears, a trip to the Cheesecake Factory, and the song "Love Myself" by Hailee Steinfield on repeat for a few days (BEST SONG TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER WHEN YOURE DOWN) it finally hit me. I wasn't doing a good job of aligning my will to Gods will. I mean maybe I do suck as a person and maybe none of my top choices wanted me but maybe all of these things weren't just coincidences. Maybe it was in Gods plan for me to slip through the cracks on three different houses because he has something else planned for me (even though it it NEVER what I originally wanted.) Maybe he knew I wouldn't be able to afford it. Maybe he knew I would get into trouble. Maybe I would be too overwhelmed. Whatever the reason, all I can tell you is revelation comes in his own time and in his own way. "It should not be surprising that one person--however important--is in no position to put conditions upon or to impose personal timing upon a visit or communication from the Highest Authority in the universe." (In His Own Time, In His Own Way - Elder Dallin H Oaks) I was sitting there demanding that God give me revelation on what to do with my life but he is not ready to give it to me yet or maybe I'm not ready to listen.
D&C 78:17 "Verily, verily, I say unto you, ye are little children, and ye have not as yet understood how great blessings the Father hath in his own hands and prepared for you"
My all time favorite talk "Trust in the Lord" by Richard G Scott explains
"His invitation, 'Ask, and ye shall receive' (3 Ne. 27:29) does not assure that you will get what you want. It does guarantee that, if worthy, you will get what you need, as judged by a Father that loves you perfectly, who wants your eternal happiness even more than do you."
Sister Neill F. Marriott said it perfectly this weekend when she explained that she has come to realized "my way is oh so lacking, limited, and inferior to the way of Jesus Christ. His way is the path that leads to happiness in this life and eternal life in the world to come."
I have decided to make her family motto "IT WILL ALL WORK OUT" my own.
In that same talk by Elder Scott he conveys the message, "He is preparing you to be a god. You cannot understand fully what that means, yet, He knows. As you trust Him, seek and follow His will, you will receive blessings that your finite mind cannot understand here on earth. Your Father in Heaven and His Holy Son know better than you what brings happiness."
It seems silly doesn't it? That not being a cheerleader and not being in a sorority and having all these health problems are preparing me to be a God but I strongly believe it to be true. I have no idea how but I know my Heavenly Father will give me that revelation in his own time and in his own way as I continue to put my trust in him and move forward with faith.
I may not know what I'm suppose to do or why things haven't been working out for me but for now I feel peace. Peace that what God intends to happen, will happen. Peace that the most perfect being in the world has his own plan for me. Peace that he loves me perfectly.
D&C 6:23 "Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?"
